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The 80s: History or Hoax
PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Academics, gathered on the Pistol Creek University campus at the invitation of popular History Professor Killarney Killkarp, are nearly unanimous in their unequivocal declaration that the decade of the 1980s was a hoax on the American public and the citizens of the world.
"Like Napoleon said, 'History is a set of lies agreed upon' and Republicans are pretty good liars," said Killkarp during his closing address to the group, "But when you tell enough lies, you start to forget the lies you told yesterday and they sometimes do not match the lies you are telling today or need to tell tomorrow to make the lies of yesterday fit your total paradigm of lies."
The working group of noted historians, political scientists, sociologists, psychologists and investigative journalists, has been closely studying the time period from 1980 to 1989, scouring documents and viewing video footage until, bleary eyed, they have declared that the Reagan Revolution was a desperate fabrication, foisted upon the public by Free Masons, the Bilderbergs and Michael Eisner, to promote the Novus Ordo Seclorum, or the New World Order.
"It simply did not occur. That an actor became president is a telling, telling fact, especially when his puppeteer -- Vice President and ex-CIA Grand Master George Bush -- was naught but a foil for the Illuminati -- or doesn't anyone remember his 'Thousand Points of Light' nonsense?" asked Killkarp breathlessly. "It would take just that special
combination of skill sets to pull off the greatest bamboozle to have ever been foisted on mankind since NASA faked the moon landing. And, of course, now that the lead actor in this incredible fiction has Alzheimer's, the illusion can continue unabated."
CBS President Les Moonves had no comment on the working group's interim draft report, though Killkarp claims a small, determined group of Hollywood dissidents tried unsuccessfully to get word of the conspiracy's charade out to the general public during the Eighties through the themes of movies such as
Tootsie, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Raiders of the Lost Ark.
"If they're right that the Eighties never happened, then I've got a stack of credit card bills and two children that need some explaining," said Gunther Uberflassen, Adjunct Professor of Psychology at Mudcat Falls Community College, who was not invited to participate in Killkarp's symposium.
The group plans to lobby the state senate to legislate changes in high school history books based on their findings.
In a related development, the U.S. Department of Education announced that Killkarp's current research grant will not be renewed.
"Nacht und nebel . . . Nacht und nebel," said Killkarp cryptically, when informed of the government's decision. "See? See? I told you.. Beware the Ark Mariners."
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