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Study: New Disease Worse than AIDS

MUDCAT FALLS — Researchers at the Mudcat Falls Community College School of the Psychiatric and Medical Arts have identified a local man as “Patient Zero” in what they claim is a growing pandemic of a new autoimmune disorder raging through our society like a wildfire through old growth forest.

“Post Traumatic Hypochondriacal Stress Disorder can effect anyone with a television, radio or Internet connection,” declared MFCC Brevet Professor Gunther Uberflassen at a press conference yesterday. “So, we need to alert the public that virtually every man, woman and child is at grave risk of illness, death or worse.”

More commonly known as “Worrywart Syndrome,” the anxiety created by an obsession with real and perceived threats to an individual’s health ironically causes an eventual collapse in the body’s ability to fight off disease.

Gila Bend resident Wally Soonyam succumbed to pneumonia in 2012, but a thorough audit of his browsing history, TV viewing habits and smart phone news feeds revealed an alarming pattern of over exposure to medical warnings from university studies, public health service announcements, CDC advisories, Mayo Clinic Minutes, WebMD searches and pharmaceutical industry advertisements.

“We have fond a direct correlation between the cummulative effect of an overdose of unsolicited medical advice and a person’s state of health,” explained Uberflassen. “Being bombarded twenty-four hours a day, three hundred sixty-five days a year with warnings to be alert to the symptoms of everything from Restless Leg Syndrome and Work Shift Disorder to heart attack and stroke eventually takes its toll.”

Uberflassen’s research has been funded by Pfizer, which is developing a Zoloft variant to treat PTHSD.

Generically known as sertraline, the drug was introduced to the market by Pfizer in 1991. Sertraline is primarily prescribed for major depressive disorders in adult outpatients as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder, in both adults and children. In 2013, it was the most prescribed antidepressant and second most prescribed psychiatric medication (after alprazolam) on the U.S. retail market, with over 41 million prescriptions.

“We are completing our FDA clinical trials and making the media buys for our marketing campaign,” said Pfizer spokesman P.T. Merriweather. “We fully expect physicians to be writing prescriptions by the end of this year, which is good news for consumers who take their good health seriously.”

Sarah Chalke played Dr. Elliot Reid on the television series Scrubs.

2016 MFTHPPPGT




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