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Out of This World . . . Please!

In a new USA Today/CNN poll released yesterday, support for Sir Isaac Newton's Laws of Physics appears to be split along political party lines within the poll's + 3% margin of error. 45% of predominantly Republican registered voters favor Newton's principals, while 43%, who largely identify themselves as Democratic registered voters, stand firmly opposed to the bedrock scientific discoveries made when an alar-free apple fell on the famous scientist's noggin in England over 300 years ago.

Predictably, Conservatives -- providing a sound empirical demonstration of Newton's First Law of Motion, which states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest -- generally favor the concepts first delineated in Philosophiae naturalis principia mathematica,on the basis of providing law and order for the universe, which creates a more favorable economic climate for businesses and their filthy rich owners and stockholders. Talk radio airwaves screeched with alarm over protecting individual freedoms and Second Amendment rights on such issues as Force, Mass, Acceleration and SUVs.

Epitomizing the very essence of Newton's Third Law of Motion -- that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction -- Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle's bolt for the bank of media microphones to decry Newton's Laws as harming minorities, women, and, especially, children, served to put the Bush Administration on notice that under his leadership the Democrats would fight for all working Americans to insure that each and every one of them get their fair share of whatever it is that they should have a share of but are not now receiving. Liberals are said to be considering a "gravity tax" on the rich to "level the playing field." Jesse Jackson joined the fray, calling for a program of "Affirmative Traction."

National Aeronautics and Space Administration officials declined comment on the poll results for fear of jeopardizing future funding levels from Congress.

In consideration of both these latest poll results, as well as the level of political discourse and common sense in our nation's capital, we have firmly decided to side squarely with the 12% of undecided voters who honestly do not know whether it is better to remain with our feet firmly planted here on terra firma thanks to Sir Isaac's Universal Law of Gravitation, or to fly off uncontrollably from the face of the Earth into deep space, where we might enjoy a little peace and quiet.



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