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An Modist Praposul

The graduation season will soon be upon us, with yet another senior class brimming with borderline illiterates peering out dumbfounded from beneath their mortar boards to be absorbed into society and we, as responsible citizens, are left to ponder whether the government is really delivering our money's worth from the $56,500,000,000.00 that the U.S. Department of Education spends annually on these hapless hopefuls, not to mention the additional billions expended at the state and local levels.

Unfortunately, graduation rates, declining SAT scores and state proficiency test results make clear that the answer is, sadly, "No."

Therefore, with a respectful doff of the cap to our bestest buddy, Jonny Joe-Bob Swift, we think that we just might have a solution to the growing education crisis facing America today: Let's immediately raise the school zone speed limit to 70 miles per hour.

Such an action should quickly thin the herd of the less agile, nimble and cognizant amongst the present pupil population, thus immediately raising the collective I.Q. of our country's youth demographic dramatically, thereby preserving, protecting and promoting the future of our great nation by assuring only the best and brightest survive.

As biologists have proven in federally funded cannibalistic worm feeding experiments, the subsequent road kill can be exported to Pacific Rim countries as veal steaks, baby back ribs and hot dogs for foreign school lunch programs to slow their growing lead in math and science knowledge over our native land such that we as a nation can reclaim the grand inventive heritage of Edison, Bell, the Wright Brothers, et al.

The subsequent inevitable increase in consumer demand will be a shot in the arm for automotive manufacturing and meat packing, as well as the legal industry, helping to jump start our sputtering economy.

Finally, we would expect a federal budget savings of over forty billion dollars, not to mention an additional ten billion dollars in export food sales profits, which could be used to provide each and every single one of us adult citizens with a tax refund of $500.00 to spend at Walmart.

We'll ask you, because we know at least our faithful readers will get it right, can you spell 'win-win-win'?



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