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NBA Pressured to Drop Celtics Team Name

BOSTON — The National Basketball Association finds itself embroiled in controversy over the name of its most successful franchise as a Black Lives Matter splinter group is demanding the Boston Celtics name and mascot be dropped and replaced with a more inclusive and less divisive moniker and logo.

“At least ten and a half members of this team are people of color—that’s more than two-thirds of the roster,” explained Dr. Jackson Selma Montgomery, Jr., preacher at the Southside Baptist Church in Mudcat Falls and leader of the group Colored Lives Are Paramount, which gathered at the TD Garden to protest. “And they are ‘represented’ by a tiny white midget off a cereal box who couldn’t dunk a ball to save his life.”

Lucky the Leprechaun has represented the team since the early sixties. It was originally designed by Zang Auerbach, the brother of famed head coach Red Auerbach.

“This is just ridiculous, ‘cause the Celtics were the first to draft an African-American,” said loyal fan Patrick Sean O’Hannity. “I don’t see any of my fellow red-headed Micks out there on the sidewalk whining about the team name. Those guys are just mad because we’ve got a parade and they don’t.”

In 1950, the team signed Chuck Cooper, becoming the first NBA franchise to draft a black player. The franchise's 17 championships are the most for any NBA franchise, and account for 24.6% of all NBA championships since the league's founding in 1946. As a percentage of championships won, they are the most successful franchise to date in the major four traditional North American professional sports leagues.

The league office has had no comment on the controversy.

A total of twenty-two members of CLAP picketed the ticket office at the TD Garden. Though out numbered by members of the media, they vowed to be heard.

A counter protest was staged across the parking lot by a local chapter of the Clan of Leprechauns And Pixies.

“Hey, leprechauns are little people, too,” said Sipper O’Reilly, leader of the Lucky supporting CLAP. “Those guys are just mad, because the Injuns are stealing their thunder.”

The National Football League has come under fire by Native American groups for the name of their franchise in Washington, D.C.

In an effort to avoid offending any individual sensibilities or perpetrating unintended microaggressions, the Mudcat Falls Times-Herald-Post-Picayune-Press-Gazette-Times has adopted a policy to refrain from any racial, ethnic, cultural or religious references with regards to sports teams.

Tonight, the team hosts their arch-rivals from Latitude 34.0498 N, Longitude -118.2498 E.

2016 MFTHPPPGT




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