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EPA Ruling Spawns First Lawsuit

MUDCAT FALLS -- The first lawsuit resulting from the long-expected EPA ruling Monday that greenhouse gases threaten public health was filed at the Calabash County Courthouse on behalf of Edwin "Dash" Hundepup against the NCAA, NFL, MLB, NBA, NHL, NASCAR, PRCA, FIFA and IOC.

"Just like Big Oil, Big Tobacco and Big Pharmaceuticals, it's high time that 'Big Sports' steps up to the trough and bears the burden for the clear hazards of their product," said Hundepup's attorney Steve Dallas. "Now that we know definitively that CO2 is a health hazard, Big Sports must account for the deadly consequences of their second-hand carbon footprint."

The class action suit claims that the amount of carbon dioxide produced at a typical sports event creates a significant workplace health hazard, elevating the risks of heat waves, asthma and rising seas, among other dangers. Hundepup is a stadium hot dog vendor at the storied horseshoe stadium of the Pistol Creek University Bullets.

"The overwhelming amount of evidence shows the threat is real," EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson said Monday.

Each hot dog vendor has to carry a 40-lb. “hot box” loaded with frankfurters, boiling water, buns, and condiments, with that exertion further aggravating their exposure to second-hand carbon dioxide. Also, hungry fans often order two or three at a time, versus items like soft pretzels or popcorn, where a single serving is the norm. As a result, hot dog vendors tend to sell out more quickly than other vendors, requiring them to make more trips to reload.

"Every facet of a sporting event, from the competition to the cheerleaders, is designed to elevate heart and respiratory rates, which can flood a tightly enclosed stadium with a tidal volume of over 125 million liters of human breaths," said Dr. Gunther Uberflassen, Director of the Clinic to Limit Anatomical Pollution and Adjunct Professor of Psychology at the Mudcat Falls Community College. "And in this case, the Bullets' astroturf field does absolutely nothing to mitigate the situation because it does not absorb any CO2 as natural turf would."

CLAP has been advocating that sports stadiums, arenas and coliseums post warning labels at all entrances and on the back of ticket stubs advising spectators of hazards.

None of the sports organizations named in the suit had any comment on the pending litigation.


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