 Read | NATION'S FIRST FREE EVOLUTION ZONE (News): PISTOL CREEK — The Pistol Creek City Council last night approved what is believed to be the nation’s first “Free Evolution Zone” in the parking lot of the Towne Center Shopping Plaza, which includes anchor stores Piggly Wiggly, Target, Ace Hardware and Cabela’s. “We are extremely happy with t . . . . |
| Read | GOVERNMENT SUED FOR TEXTING DRIVERS (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Calabash County and the U.S. Department of Transportation are being sued by the fifty-two drivers involved in a massive, fog-induced pile-up on the Gila Bend section of the Riverside Turnpike which occurred this past spring. The plaintiff's complaint claims that the government direc . . . . |
| Read | UNDOCUMENTEDS FILE COURT DOCS AGAINST U.S. (News): PISTOL CREEK -- Calabash County Circuit Court Judge Aristotle Needlemensch has granted class action status to a suit originally filed by Juan Hector Montoya Pechuko against the United States government, specifically the Departments of Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services and Hom . . . . |
| Read | MC-MUF-FYN TRAGEDY STRIKES LOCAL GIRL (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- At the insistence of Mayor Archibald Alabaster III, officials from the U.S. Department of Agriculture will be meeting today in Pistol Creek Junction with executives from R.K. Meat Packing Company and Calabash County Fair 4-H Judges in an attempt to determine how last year's . . . . |
| Read | TART TASTE OF TORT REFORM (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Judge Aristotle Needlemensch was forced to clear a contentious courtroom from the bench yesterday when confronted with catcalls and cheers from advocacy groups as litigants in Dallas v. Tweed met for the first day of motion hearings. Local attorney Steve Dallas filed a $250 billion . . . . |
| Read | SUPER HERO WANNABEE APPREHENDED (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- A masked man dressed in a blue jump suit with a bright red cape, claiming to be a super hero called "Captain Electron," was apprehended by Sheriff's deputies in the Barleycorn District after a high speed foot chase that wove to and fro through the downtown area for most of the morni . . . . |
| Read | LIONS AND TIGERS AND LAWYERS, OH MY! (News): BALTIMORE -- The surprising results of a new medical study has the legal community up in arms by finding that long-term exposure to lawyers presents a significant environmental health hazard, putting them in league with tobacco, radon, mold, lead-based paints, trans-fatty acids, caffeine, sodium, c . . . . |
| Read | MCCAIN-FEINGOLD REPRISE REPULSED (News): WASHINGTON -- In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, Senators from both sides of the aisle resoundingly rejected proposed legislation to severely limit congressional lobbying by metaphorically stoning Sponsor Russ Feingold, Democrat-Wisconsin, with wadded up copies of Senate Bill S.1398. The sym . . . . |
| Read | THE 80S: HISTORY OR HOAX (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Academics, gathered on the Pistol Creek University campus at the invitation of popular History Professor Killarney Killkarp, are nearly unanimous in their unequivocal declaration that the decade of the 1980s was a hoax on the American public and the citizens of the world. " . . . . |
| Read | CCRTA BUDGET BUSTED (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Fuel and increased maintenance costs are threatening to bust the budget of the Calabash County Regional Transit Authority. A shortfall of nearly $1.2 million is expected for 2004, with deficits growing "as far as the eye can see" according to Silas Lindarhed, CCRTA Director of Opera . . . . |
| Read | FDA INVESTIGATES DRUG WARNING LABELS (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Responding to a growing number of complaints from parents and local prosecutors, the Food and Drug Administration has opened an investigation into the warning labels on prescription medications. "Nobody has a problem with the usual disclaimers about dizziness, drowsiness, or anal l . . . . |
| Read | HISTORY HALTED AT PISTOL CREEK (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- The History Department at Pistol Creek University was shut down yesterday by court order. Judge Aristotle Needlemensch granted the plaintiff's motion for an injunction in Gonzalez, et al v.PCU and issued a cease and desist order prohibiting department professors from conduc . . . . |
| Read | UNION OUTSOURCES PICKET LINE (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- A strike against the R.K. Meat Packing Company by the Congress of Lard and Animal Packers local #19 ended abruptly when agents of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement were called to the picket line in front of the company's Pistol Creek Junction factory yesterday af . . . . |
| Read | DISORDER IN & OUTSIDE THE COURT (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Police were called to the parking lot behind the Calabash County Courthouse to subdue a pair of litigants who apparently took their legal dispute "out back." Freddie Marks and Carl Ingalls, along with dozens of associates, were arrested and charged with assault & battery, unlawful a . . . . |
| Read | SHOPPER SUES LOCAL PIGGLY-WIGGLY (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Julienne Joiboi is suing grocery store chain Piggly-Wiggly claiming that their aisle widths are discriminatory to the "girth-enhanced" community, in violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. The 647 pound Mudcat Falls woman was asked to leave the Pistol Creek grocer . . . . |
| Read | ACTIVIST SUES FALLS FD (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Local peace activist Digby Dalhaber filed suit against the Mudcat Falls Fire Department for negligence and dereliction of duty in the loss of the historic family home in the Riverview Heights section of the city. "They just cut and run and let my home burn to the ground," said a dis . . . . |
| Read | MANKIND: GUILTY OF ENVIROCIDE (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Pistol Creek University Physics brevet professor Ernst Wiccleslip has presented what he believes is indisputable proof of homo sapien fingerprints on the murder of Planet Earth. Candidate Dr. Wiccleslip, who once applied to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has roc . . . . |
| Read | BS PROVES REAGANOMICS BS (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- A Pistol Creek University professor, F. Marcus Engels, has claimed to have debunked supply-side economic theory, popularly known as Reaganomics, by identifying a substance that defies all known laws of Supply and Demand. "The travesty that is this so-called voodoo economics . . . . |
| Read | TUPPERWARE DEATH SHOCKS QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In the quiet Heights neighborhood of the city, families are searching their souls and cupboards for answers to the inexplicable violence that erupted and resulted in the death of a forty-two year old mother of three, Edith Pickles-Smythe, at the hands of her younger sister, Sissy Pi . . . . |
| Read | GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED FOR FIRING (News): PISTOL CREEK JUNCTION -- Local sausage machine operator, Albert Slaughter, is appealing his dismissal from the R.K. Meat Packing Company, citing global warming as the reason he fell asleep at his station and allowed over 20,000 pounds of rendered meat by-products to spill on the factory floor when . . . . |