 Read | TRUMP: FACEBOOK FOR FREELOADING FOREIGNERS (News): MADISON — Donald Trump, who outrageously declared an entire religion to be personas non grata on America’s shores during his campaign for the GOP Presidential nomination, is now calling for the government takeover of social media to track immigrants in this country. “Forty percent of illegal imm . . . . |
| Read | STUDY: NEW DISEASE WORSE THAN AIDS (News): MUDCAT FALLS — Researchers at the Mudcat Falls Community College School of the Psychiatric and Medical Arts have identified a local man as “Patient Zero” in what they claim is a growing pandemic of a new autoimmune disorder raging through our society like a wildfire through old growth forest. “ . . . . |
| Read | EPA RAIDS PLANNED PARENTHOOD (News): PISTOL CREEK -- Confusion reigns in the wake of an Environmental Protection Agency SWAT team's raid on the Pistol Creek offices of Planned Parenthood with guns drawn late yesterday afternoon for violations of Section 404 of the Clean Water Act. The clinic remains closed today as government official . . . . |
| Read | DEPUTY ACCIDENTALLY TASERS SHERIFF (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Sheriff Atticus W. Moosejowl found himself on the receiving end of 50,000 volts when Deputy Barney LaBonte inadvertently fired his M26 Advanced Taser Gun at his off-duty boss who was rolling a line at the West Bank's Tornado Alley Bowl-A-Rama. LaBonte was responding to a 9-1-1 call . . . . |
| Read | PIZZA WARS HEAT UP (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- In a throw back to the bootlegging days of old Chicago, the pizza delivery business has gone "to the mattresses" this summer in a cut throat competition for ruling the turf of Mudcat Falls in pursuit of the lucrative drunken college student business which is set to kick into high ge . . . . |
| Read | ACLU EXPANDING MARKET REACH (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- The Bush Recession has not only hurt retail sales, the American Civil Liberties Union has also seen a dramatic drop off in revenues, especially during the holiday season. "We stay busy year round, too, with the Boy Scouts, parks, military cemetery grave markers and what not, but jus . . . . |
| Read | PRESS CORPS TARGET OF MYSTERY POWDER (News): WASHINGTON DC -- Early this morning, the White House Press Room Mr. Coffee was cordoned off with yellow crime scene tape, stretched to the breaking point by the press of reporters jostling for position to get the story on the mysterious yellow powder feared to be a biological attack against some of . . . . |
| Read | LOCAL MAN SUES TIMEWARNER (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Local resident Screed Mullins filed suit against TimeWarner at the Calabash County Courthouse seeking unspecified damages for alleged neglect, abuse and mental cruelty. "I bin on this har earth for pert near eighty-five years," said the eighty-four year old Mullins, "And I ain't yet . . . . |
| Read | ALIEN POLICIES PROTESTED (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- Edwina Tang's recent tale of abduction by aliens drew national attention from UFOlogists and abduction researchers, including Donald Worley and Lynn Taylor, but it also raised the ire of the ACLU and civil rights organizational. The ACLU, Rainbow/PUSH and the NAACP have petitioned t . . . . |
| Read | CLIMATEGATE: MORE SMOKING EMAILS (News): NORWICH -- Forensic computer technicians, pouring through thousands of the so-called "Climategate" emails hacked from the servers of the Climatic Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, claim to have found the origins of the global warming crisis in a series of communications between Profes . . . . |
| Read | WEASELS IN SHEEP SKINS (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- When the spans of the new Third Avenue Bridge missed lining up by twenty-three feet during construction, no one even suspected, as an exclusive MFTHPPPGT/MFTV I-Team Investigative Report reveals, that County Engineer O.B. Wancanoby's Civil Engineering credentials were phoney, the de . . . . |
| Read | MICROSOFT TO ACQUIRE THANKSGIVING (News): REDMOND -- In a surprise move, software behemoth Microsoft announced its intention to acquire the Thanksgiving holiday from the federal government and Federated Department Stores, Inc., in a unique three-way stock and cash transaction estimated to total nearly $12.4 billion, which the company claim . . . . |
| Read | THE MOTHER OF ALL STUDIES (News): CINCINNATI -- The Taft Institute, a nonpartisan think tank, has released a comprehensive study of studies, which concludes that study results may be hazardous to your health and calls for warning labels to be placed on all report covers. "Every 5.7 seconds, a new scientific study is released around . . . . |
| Read | FOX NEWS CALLED RACIST (News): WASHINGTON DC -- The charges in recent days by some — including former President Jimmy Carter — that opposition to President Obama and his policies are racially motivated have escalated and are now being aimed directly at the FOX News Channel. "I think an overwhelming portion of the intensely dem . . . . |
| Read | WIDE BODIES CRASH AT WAANKER (News): MUDCAT FALLS -- A Boeing 747 crashed yesterday at Waanker Air Force Base after making a hard landing. The wide-body jet, part of the Jenny Craig corporate fleet, was reportedly carrying executives from the Carlsbad, California based company to a classified military briefing. "She looked kind of tai . . . . |
| Read | MASS. SUPREMES HAND CHAVEZ VICTORY (News): BOSTON -- In a 4-3 decision, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court overturned Governor Mitt Romney's veto of a bill establishing a mutual defense pact between the Bay State and Venezuela. The ruling by the court on the Massachusetts Constitution could set new legal ground, and drew quick reactio . . . . |
| Read | JDAMS SHOULD BE SEEN, NOT HEARD (News): NEW YORK -- President George W. Bush may soon be facing U.N. sanctions of his own over the United States' conduct of the war in Iraq. Ms. Louise Arbour, the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, has announced that her office is planning to ask that the United States be referred to the . . . . |
| Read | PRESIDENT BARTLETT STIFFS FALLS FESTIVAL (News): HOLLYWOOD -- West Wing star, Martin Sheen, has notified the organizers of the annual Mudcat Falls Nuke Em Bass Tournament & Fish Fry Festival that he will not appear as originally promised. A spokesman for the faux President Joshua Bartlett said that he had been mistakenly informed the event was in . . . . |
| Read | POLL APPROVAL RATING POLLED (News): WASHINGTON DC -- An unreleased, top secret CBS News/Gallaudet University poll has revealed an alarming drop in the approval ratings of polls and traditional news media outlets. In a survey of 1162 adults, the generic poll approval rating of polling organizations has fallen to a mere 22% and network . . . . |
| Read | CONGRESS VIOLATES GENEVA CONVENTION (News): WASHINGTON -- While debate rages in Congress over one of the most notorious detainee interrogation techniques -- "waterboarding," in which a prisoner feels near drowning -- officials inside the CIA, speaking on the condition of anonymity, say that they have found an even more effective means of get . . . . |